A reader asked:
I’m divorced. My boyfriend is divorced. What kind of relationship can we have in the eyes of God? We want to do things right this time.
Other relevant details: I did not have a Catholic wedding and my wedding was not approved as an exception by Church authority. However, my boyfriend had a Catholic wedding. We do not live together. I am embarrassed to say that we have had inappropriate relations about five times in four years, but glad to say that we no longer are falling into sin in that way. Now, our only physical affection consists of kissing, hugging, and holding hands. We are getting guidance by our Diocese for my boyfriend’s annulment.
It’s a difficult topic in the Church; we were even told that we couldn’t be Eucharistic Ministers. There is little support and guidance for those of us who are divorced. It’s almost like we were married, raised our children, tried everything to keep the family together, prayed, cried, begged and nothing helped. Sadly, we ended up betrayed, and cheated on. So, my boyfriend and I found each other, but we are lost.
Dear Reader,
I am very sorry to hear about the lack of support and guidance you have received as a divorced Catholic. It can be hard to find one’s place in the Church when the option to serve in a desired capacity has been taken away. I am heartened by your joint willingness to do things right this time and I can’t help but think that God is smiling about it too.
As a Catholic who did not have a Catholic wedding, you are essentially seen as single in the eyes of the Church. You are free to date eligible bachelors.
However, we must assume until we discover otherwise, that your boyfriend, who had a Catholic wedding, is married in the eyes of the Church; thus, it is not acceptable for you to date him. While you might not have yet realized it, you are currently having a romantic affair with a man who is presumed married. It might not seem like it, but the relationship is adulterous in a certain sense due to the emotional closeness and the mutual acts of affection, even though you are no longer engaging in those particular types of acts that we normally think of as adulterous.
Even though your boyfriend’s wife has abandoned him, she is still his wife. This is because their marriage is not merely a contract; it is a Covenant. This Covenant is between God, your boyfriend, and his wife, and as Jesus said, “What God has joined together […] no man can put asunder” (Mk 10:9).
God has not and will not give up on your boyfriend’s marriage. God made a Covenant with the ancient Israelites, and they were “adulterous” over and over again, whether it was by having hardened hearts, doing evil acts, or worshiping other “gods”. Still, God always took them back. It is not in God’s nature to break a Covenant that He has made.
I want to clarify what an annulment is for you and any other readers who might need clarification. It should already be clear by now that as a Covenant, a Catholic marriage cannot be “undone”. Likewise, an annulment does not “undo” a marriage. In Jim Blackburn’s 20 Answers: Divorce and Remarriage, he explains that “…annulments do not presume to end valid marriages at all, but simply recognize and declare, after sufficient investigation, that a valid marriage never existed in the first place” (2016, p.50).
Cheating on and abandoning a spouse is, in and of itself, not grounds for an annulment to be decreed. Therefore, we must assume until we learn otherwise through the authoritative voice of the Church that a marriage is valid.
The kind of relationship that your boyfriend may have with you in the eyes of God is the kind that any married man can have with a woman that is not his wife: appropriately reserved. Because he has cheated on his wife with you in every sense, a man in his situation would normally be obligated to terminate his relationship with his girlfriend until he discovers whether his current marriage is null, i.e. receives an annulment. This holds unless there are mitigating factors of which I have not yet been made aware.
Thus far, I have laid out some general moral principles and attempted to apply them to your situation based on the information that you have given me. However, in Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis writes, “It is true that general rules set forth a good which can never be disregarded or neglected, but in their formulation they cannot provide absolutely for all particular situations” (304). While I have outlined an ideal here, you now need to take what I have written here and look into your own heart with honesty and compassion for you and your boyfriend, given what you know about your situation.
You ask, “What kind of relationship can we have in the eyes of God?” In reply, I have given you the “general rules”. Perhaps you will find these “general rules” too cumbersome for you and with all good intentions, you might refuse to follow them. To this, Pope Francis offers those in divorce ministry the following words of wisdom, “By thinking that everything is black and white, we sometimes close off the way of grace and of growth, and discourage paths of sanctification which give glory to God” (Amoris Laetitia, 305).
Our merciful Pope also instructs those in divorce ministry to avoid “unduly harsh or hasty judgments” (Amoris Laetitia, 308). I cannot know through an email if my judgment is too harsh for you. My intention was to give you an ideal after which to seek. If you find that what I have written is not unduly harsh, then I especially want you to know that through frequent recourse to the sacraments, you can fully realize the Christian ideal.
It would be normal to be afraid of terminating your romantic relationship with your boyfriend. I expect you to be afraid. To this, I say that we do not need to fear being obedient to God’s will. His will is good, by definition. He is a father, The Father, Whom we can trust. He will take care of you. If you give him obedience here, I believe that He will repay you a hundredfold for the pain that you offer up to him by being obedient, by honoring Him.
Regardless of what you choose to do, I want you to know that I, along with Pope Francis, believe that “…the Church is not a tollhouse; it is a place for everyone, with all of their problems” (Evangelii Gaudiumi, 2013, 47: AAS 105 (2013), 1040). There is a place for you in the Church, regardless of what choice you make on this matter.
May God bless you with healing and peace.
Warmly,
Thomas Schmierer, LMFT
Healing and Peace
Comments
To all readers of this article: Please leave comments in the comments section below or on the Healing and Peace Facebook page. Can you relate to the reader who submitted the question? Have you broken off an immoral relationship? If so, do you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for the reader?
References
Blackburn, J. (2016). 20 Answers: Divorce & Remarriage. El Cajon, CA: Catholic Answers Press.
Francis (2013). Evangelii Gaudiumi. Retrieved from http://w2.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/apost_exhortations/documents/papa-francesco_esortazione-ap_20131124_evangelii-gaudium.html on April 16, 2019. Vatican: Vatican Press.
Francis. (2016). Amoris Laetitia. Retrieved from https://w2.vatican.va/content/dam/francesco/pdf/apost_exhortations/documents/papa-francesco_esortazione-ap_20160319_amoris-laetitia_en.pdf on April 16, 2019. Vatican: Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
I love your response and the tone it sets. It uses for the first time that I have seen, Pope Francis’ message of mercy beautifully. Thank you.
Thank you. I am falling in love with the writings of Pope Francis, much as I have with the writings of Pope Benedict XVI and Pope St. John Paul II before him. I am finding that Pope Francis understands what love looks like in the trenches of ministering to people “where they’re at,” so to speak. I would guess that you, as a ministry leader, probably love his writings too. Look at how beautiful this is from Amoris Laetitia (308), “I understand those who prefer a more rigorous pastoral care which leaves no room for confusion. But I sincerely believe that Jesus wants a Church attentive to the goodness which the Holy Spirit sows in the midst of human weakness, a Mother who, while clearly expressing her objective teaching, ‘always does what good she can, even if in the process, her shoes get soiled in the mud of the street.’ […] Jesus ‘expects us to stop looking for those personal or communal niches which shelter us from the maelstrom of human misfortune, and instead to enter into the reality of other people’s lives and to know the power of tenderness. Whenever we do so, our lives become wonderfully complicated.'” This is what you endeavor to do in your ministry, and I, in mine. Simply, lovely words here by the Pope!
What does awaiting moderation mean ?
It just means that I had not yet approved your message, but I have since done that.