How Do I Stop Enabling My Controlling Daughter and Renew My Relationship with My Estranged Daughter?

A reader asked:

How do I unravel knots that have been tightened for over ten years? I am so enmeshed in one daughter’s life and she in mine, while my other daughter is estranged. I am 74, a divorced single mom, and either extremely codependent, passive aggressive, or have low self esteem and am pathetic as my daughter says. I have kowtowed to her needs ever since she was a teen and then it all became a horrific nightmare when she said that she had such a shock when a friend of hers died of cancer and she acquired a phobia about it so extreme that it has changed our very lives into some awful non relationship, with me being in servitude and her not living a normal 45 year old’s life. Her paranoia and obsessive behaviors, she says, is to keep her in peace, but it’s ugly and mean. I am not living a normal life either. I am supporting us and working full time. I could go on for pages, but I do not have the ability to spell it all out here. It has become so complicated and I don’t know how to extricate myself out of this fear to say “No” to her. I must also make peace with my first born daughter, even though she left us when she was 18. I love her, but am forbidden to interact with by my second born, because of my other daughter’s phobia. I pray and pray for a miracle to heal her mind and mine, but we have both had trauma. I am almost empty. What steps can I take?

Dear Reader,

I am very sorry to hear about your family trouble.  While your relationships with your daughters may seem like a tangled mess now, what I’ve written here should help you to sort things out and get started on the road towards personal and relational healing.

The Snowball Effect

A type of brief therapy called Solutions-Focused Therapy coined a term called the snowball effect.  This term refers to the fact that when a person takes small steps to improve themselves, it can cause a chain reaction of positive events that can lead to big changes in that person’s life (Selekman, 2008).  This applies to you and your situation.

While your problems may seem overwhelming, all you can do is start from where you are now and take the first step.  I have hope for your situation, because by asking what steps you can take, you have shown that you have the right attitude to make a positive change.  That you asked what you can do, tells me not only that you have hope too, but that you are also ready to do the work.  I love that! I think you can go far with that attitude.

My goal here is to outline your first few steps and also to give you some pertinent information on what might be going on with you and your daughters.  Sometimes just understanding things or knowing what your problems are can bring some relief.

Prioritize Addressing Shame

The first thing to address is your own shame, if you have any.  As a therapist, I have developed a keen eye for shame because unaddressed shame can be the biggest block to personal and relational growth (Siegel & Hartzell, 2004; Amodeo, 2001).

I see that you might agree with the “pathetic” label that your daughter has given you.  Often, when my clients call themselves pathetic, they are shaming themselves and viewing themselves as worthy of contempt.  Feeling shame is not necessarily a problem, as long as a person does not get stuck in a state of shame.

One way to pop out of shame is to share your feelings with someone who is supportive and caring.  If you don’t have such a person in your life, perhaps you could join a support group for those who enable or are codependent.  Being around others who have the same struggles as you can help you to feel more normal.

If you believe that you might be codependent with your daughters, it is somewhat likely that you have a history of being codependent with others (Miller, 1988).  Depending on the particular behaviors of those others, some of your history could qualify you for membership in one of the following groups:

• Al-Anon: Whereas AA is for the alcoholic, Al-Anon is for those who have been negatively affected by the alcoholic. If the husband that you are divorced from was an alcoholic, it would still be appropriate to go to Al-Anon meetings now, even though the relationship may be over.
• Adult Children of Alcoholics: This organization is for the adult children of those who abused alcohol or drugs.  If either of your parents abused alcohol, then this group can help you deal with the resulting trauma that could be affecting your life now.
• Nar-Anon: Whereas NA is for drug abusers, Nar-Anon is for those who have been negatively impacted by drug abusers.
• S-Anon: Whereas SA is for sexaholics, S-Anon is for those who have been negatively affected by a sex addict.

My hope for you is that you either have someone in your life now or can find someone at a support group who can be understanding about any enabling tendencies that you might have, and that talking to them will reduce or eliminate any shame that you might have.

What’s Underneath Enabling Behavior

I can’t know for sure, but I gather from what you’ve written that maybe you are letting your phobic daughter make unreasonable demands of you.  If that is the case, it may help you to look at what might be underneath enabling behavior.

I can understand being empathetic of your daughter’s fear after losing a friend to cancer, not to mention any grief that she may be experiencing.  I think it is a good desire to want to offer her some relief in her time of pain.

However, putting up with behaviors that are “ugly and mean”, especially if they are directed at you, is not good for her or you.  I suspect that you probably already know this. What you might not have fully realized is the role that shame (Beattie, 1989) and pride (Miller, 2016) may be playing when you enable your daughter’s maltreatment of you or others.

Lots of times, the primary image that impacts an enabler of bad behavior is the disappointed face of the other.  In this case, it would be your daughter’s face.  When you see that face, how do you feel about yourself? Does her face of disappointment make you feel inadequate as a mother?

If so, then you feel what a lot of enabling parents feel when they see the disappointed face of a child.  If your daughter’s face of disappointment has the power to make you feel shame, then what do you think needs to change in order for you to feel good about yourself?

If your answer is ‘her face’, then you may feel compelled to do whatever it takes to change your daughter’s disappointed emotional state into a satisfied one, not for her sake, but for the sake of your own view of yourself.  Additionally, what I have noticed when working with mothers who are susceptible to shame, is that they will not merely switch into a state of relief when their child’s face switches from disappointed to happy, but into an exaggerated state of pride.

The thinking goes like this…  “If I am a bad mother when my daughter is disappointed, then when my daughter is happy with me, I am not merely a good mother, but a mother who is worthy of special love or admiration!”  Parents with scrupulous tendencies might even errantly think that they are being Christlike when they “graciously suffer” their daughter’s maltreatment.

If any of this described you, Dear Reader, then the blurred boundary between you and your daughter is what family systems theorists refer to as enmeshment (Goldenberg & Goldenberg, 2008).  I noticed that you wrote that you were enmeshed in your daughter’s life, so you may already be familiar with the term, but other readers might not be.

The way to regain your power is to disassociate your daughter’s mood state from your self-image.  The goal here needs to be for you to not go into shame or panic when your daughter is disappointed or uncomfortable.  To accomplish this usually requires focused work with a therapist who is skilled at facilitating deep emotional healing, but never underestimate the support of an understanding friend or support group member.

If you think that I have nailed what’s going on with you, then you have already completed the first step in bettering your situation.  Understanding clearly what is going on inside of you is half the battle.

Improve One Relationship to Improve the Other

If you improve your relationship with your controlling daughter, then that may actually improve your relationship with the estranged one.  This is often the case for families in disharmony. Remember the principle called the snowball effect that I mentioned earlier?  According to it, if you repair one relationship in the family, doing so should cause a chain reaction that naturally eases the way for the the healing of other relationships in the family.

It sounds like the biggest block to renewing your relationship with your estranged daughter is that your other daughter forbids you from contacting her.  It wasn’t clear to me if your controlling daughter fears that someone will get cancer and die if you talk to your estranged daughter or if she cites some other irrational fear.

The important thing here is to grow in your love of reality.  You may find that the words of Jesus in John 8:32 encourage you on this matter: “you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”  Even though Jesus was referring to the truth on a particular matter, it makes sense that the truth, in general, will set us free.

So, what is the truth here?  Is someone going to really get cancer if you talk to your estranged daughter?  Is some other irrational fear going to come true if you talk to her? How likely is it that the feared scenario will actually happen?  Your controlling daughter might love feeling perfectly safe more than she loves truth, but that doesn’t mean that you have to follow her lead.

I assume that you already know the truth.  I think that you might just need someone in your life who will strengthen your trust in yourself, who will encourage you to walk in truth regardless of your daughter’s irrational beliefs.

The importance of receiving encouragement from an affirming other is something that has been written about extensively by Conrad Baars, M.D.  You may wish to read my book review and summary of his short book called Born Only Once.

Once you have been adequately strengthened, no one will be able to stop you from reaching out to your estranged daughter and trying to restore peace with her.  Your first step in renewing your relationship with your estranged daughter is to put yourself in a position to receive the encouragement necessary to act according to reality.  Your second step will obviously be to reach out to your estranged daughter to try to restore peace in the relationship.

What’s Behind Controlling Behavior

While I can’t diagnose someone without doing a complete evaluation, your 45 year old daughter’s phobia may qualify her for a diagnosis of one or more of the following symptoms and disorders: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Psychosis or Illness Anxiety Disorder.  Psychosis is a symptom and the others are disorders. The recommended treatment for her may vary somewhat depending on which diagnostic category she falls into.

I have hope for your daughter, especially because I have treated women with the same troubles as her with success.  If your daughter is willing to seek professional help, it is quite possible that she can heal, find peace, and live the life of a normal 45 year old.

Finding Peace

You can find greater peace, even amidst such a difficult situation.  More than anything, you will need to rely on your faith. I don’t know how people without faith survive such trials.

We were designed to need God.  In spite of what secular psychologists might say, it is good to rely on Him.  Many of my Catholic clients derive a sense of peace from frequent visitations to the Blessed Sacrament.  You may need to recharge your spiritual batteries by visiting the Blessed Sacrament as often as daily, if your daughter refuses to seek competent help.

Even if your daughter got the help that she needs, I still recommend taking measures to recharge your spiritual batteries.  You wrote that you are almost empty. Now is the time to do everything that you can to take great care of yourself.

People with codependent tendencies often think that they don’t deserve time to take care of themselves.  They can think that doing so is selfish. Sometimes they even judge others harshly who take care of themselves well.  These judgements of themselves and others are unfair and lacking in compassion.

It is actually a gift to your daughter when you take care of yourself.  I think that it is best for you and your daughter if you do what’s possible in your situation to fill up your spiritual tank so that you are nowhere near empty.

This might mean going to a Bible study regularly or even going to a Catholic meetup group, like the one that Healing and Peace hosts.  Even if no one is going to force you to take regular breaks, I encourage you to force yourself, if you haven’t been.

Caretakers need a life outside of the home.  They need to know that it is a big world out there, not just a world determined by work outside of the home and the interior walls of their houses.  It is from experiencing leisure outside of the home, that we can come back with a new perspective on life inside the home.

Healing Trauma For Both of You

You mentioned that you and your daughter have both experienced trauma.  You said that you pray for a miracle that these traumas will be healed. Regarding this, please see my previous article on this blog, EMDR: Miracle Cure for Trauma?

I believe that EMDR can help you and your daughter recover from the traumas that you have experienced.  Finding a therapist trained in EMDR would be a great way to take the first step in healing your traumas.

Conclusion

Your problems can be addressed, one step at a time.  By following the initial steps in this article, you can set yourself on a path of making big changes in your family’s life.  You can stop enabling your controlling daughter, take more time to focus on yourself, and renew your relationship with your estranged daughter.

I pray that the Holy Spirit guides you as you attempt to better your situation and helps you and both of your daughters to better live out your unique vocations to love with ever greater peace, holiness, and joy.

Blessings,
Thomas Schmierer, LMFT
Healing and Peace

Comments

To all readers of this article: Please leave comments in the comments section below or on the Healing and Peace Facebook page.  Can you relate to the reader who submitted the question?  Have you tried any of the steps outlined in this article? If so, how did they work out for you?  Do you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for the reader?

Citations

Amodeo, J. ( 2001). The authentic heart: An eightfold path to midlife love, 51. New York: Wiley & Sons.

Beattie, M. (1998). Beyond codependency: And getting better all the time, 101-111. Center City, MN: Hazelden.

Goldenberg, H. & Goldenberg, I. (Eds.). (2008). Family therapy: An overview (7th ed.).
Belmont, CA: Thomson Brooks/Cole.

Miller, A. (1988). The enabler: When helping harms the ones you love, 51- 53. Claremont, CA: Hunter House Inc.

Miller, R. (2016).  Feeling-state theory & protocols for behavioral and substance addictions: A breakthrough in the treatment of addictions, compulsions, obsessions, codependence, and anger. USA: ImTT Press.

Siegel, D. J. & Hartzell, M. (2004). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive, 185. New York: Penguin.

Selekman, M. D. (2008). Pathways to change: Brief therapy with difficult adolescents (2nd ed.), 37. New York: The Guilford Press.