A reader asked:
Could you summarize the contents of your The Pacing of Intimacy for Adult Catholic Christians CD, particularly the proper progression of physical affection and how to best prepare for an optimal Catholic marriage when one of the partners has a minimal Catholic faith/moral background?
Dear Reader,
Rather than summarize the contents of the entire CD set, I have summarized here only the parts that are relevant to your question. In my reply, I have made the assumptions that the two parts of your questions (i.e. physical affection and dating someone with a minimal faith/moral background) are being asked about the same couple, that you are one of the “partners”, and that you have a strong faith background. If these assumptions are false, then please contact me to offer correction and I can write a follow up post.
What is the Goal of Dating?
The goal of dating for Catholics should be to find someone to marry who:
- Will lead you to greater holiness
- Will lead any children you may raise together to holiness
- Has the practical attributes and skills necessary to be an adequate spouse and parent
The Ability to Choose Well
The advice found on the aforementioned CD is not about how to optimize a relationship in a less than ideal situation. The audio files highlight the ideal approach to dating for the adult Catholic Christian and how to make the ideal a reality.
The CD especially emphasizes one’s capability to choose well whom one dates in the first place. In order to choose well, we need to know the mandatory qualities of a good Catholic spouse.
What Are the Basic Moral and Religious Requirements of a Catholic Spouse?
The basic requirements regarding finding a spouse who will lead us and our possible future children to greater holiness are that the candidate, at least:
- Knows the fundamentals of the Faith
- Believes in all of the teachings of the Church
- Has a solid spiritual life, which may consist of such practices as going to daily Mass, praying the Rosary daily, doing regular spiritual reading/meditation and going to frequent Confession
- Spends some of his/her free time engaged in charitable acts such as serving the poor
It is also sound advice to avoid dating someone who habitually commits mortal sins. For example, it is advisable to avoid dating someone who has engaged in a sexual sin in the past year or who has engaged in a sexual sin with his/her last boyfriend or girlfriend.
What’s Wrong with the Question?
The question of how to best prepare for an optimal Catholic marriage when one of the partners has a minimal Catholic faith/moral background is the wrong question. It assumes that one has already made good choices leading up to the current situation, when evidence suggests that this might not be the case. The right questions to ask oneself in such a situation are:
- Why did I ever go on a first date with someone having a minimal Catholic/moral background?
- Why do I continue to date a person with this background?
- How can I get out of such a relationship as soon as possible?
- How can I make better dating decisions in the future so that two solid Catholics can join together to marry and potentially have children for the sake of the Kingdom?
These questions are for you to look within and find the answers for yourself. For many people, an earnest search for answers to these questions quickly reveals that they tend to engage in physical affection early in the dating process and they commit to having an exclusive dating relationship before properly discerning that decision. In these cases, the early physical affection clouds their judgment and then they foolishly make exceptions to the basic requirements of a Catholic spouse. It is often the process of choosing whom to date that needs to be corrected, not the pacing of physical affection when already dating someone whom it may be unwise and self-defeating to date in the first place.
Conclusion
The ideal amount of physical affection to have when dating someone with a minimal Catholic faith/moral background is no physical affection at all. In fact, it is usually wise to immediately break up with such a person and to practice greater discernment when deciding whom to date next.
When dating, we need to keep our goals of finding greater holiness for ourselves and leading our potential future children to holiness in the forefront of our minds. It is wise to keep our gaze on Heaven and to never settle for less than the basic requirements of a Catholic spouse when deciding whom to date.
Thank you for your question. May God bless you with healing and peace.
Warmly,
Thomas Schmierer, LMFT
Healing and Peace
What Do You Think?
Please leave comments in the comments section below or on the Healing and Peace Facebook page. Can you relate to the reader who submitted the question? Have you dated according to the basic requirements of a Catholic spouse described here? If so, do you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for the reader? Have you exclusively dated someone with low morals and a minimal Catholic faith? How did that go?
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